As lonely as you want it to be.

I haven't written in a long time. Mainly because I have felt like I have nothing to say, or nothing to offer.

Summer has been rough. The first month in Charleston was really hard, really lonely and not a good place for me to be in coming out of a weird semester. I've been seeking prayer and help from a few close friends, and some of you know more in depth the things that have gone on and what things have been so discouraging over the past 4 months. So thank you for loving well, and being the beautiful family I need.

This summer I have been very uncontent. I've never wanted a summer to go by faster, wanted to go home and be with my friends and family and go wild in Greenville. I miss Radius, I miss my family there, I hate sitting at a desk all day, the list could go on forever... God seemed terribly distant 95% of the time.

I was talking to a good/new friend this past week about this summer and how I have not allowed God to be enough, and that maybe this dry lonely time will be good for me to learn that God is wholly enough for me, and learn to love him and keep company with him as foolish as that might sound. Since so many things seemed to crash and burn all at once, God seemed distant and innactive so I had been seeking so many other things to fill my time and my heart. The next morning I was reading in my car before I stepped into work, and read Psalm 34:10.

"The young lions suffer want and hunger, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing."

As most things go when the Lord really brings his love to my attention, its small realizations over a period of a few days. I got really excited about it, it sounded good, I medidated on it throughout the day at my desk, and thought about it up until tonight. Tonight I was writing a letter to a new friend (lots of new people these days..) and was telling them about the verse and that it had been good to ponder on. And then as I was writing it all just slammed on my chest.

The first time I read this verse and the first 24 hours I thought about it I didn't even sort of relate it to my current situation in Charleston. It was basically a cool verse that I couldn't stop thinking about. But as I wrote I realized what a great thing I had just read. I can be here, in Charleston totally alone with nothing (not the case, btw.) but I can be absolutely wild about the fact that God is enough. Not even just this summer but with my entire life, I'm about to graduate college! It's cool, but in some weird way it just doesnt matter because God is going to be enough. Enough in all ways! He will love me, he will care for me, he will keep me company, he will give me gifts, he will talk to me, he will cry with me, he will provide other people to do all those things with me also, and then we all just go buck wild for eternity.

It's soo sooo good and refreshing and child-like and beautiful and wonderful and joyous that my God will teach me such simple things and how good I can be at ignoring him but he just keeps them on my mind and gently brings me back to the thought and he is so patient with me until I understand and then he rejoices so much when I grasp his concept! Unbelievablly fulfilling.


Thank you Daddy, for giving me breath and fingers. Yes..fingers.

Tornado Project

Objective was to create a painting that symbolicly represented a time in your life that was chaotic, somewhat of a "tornado".

For me, this was about my anxiety disorder prior to being on medication. Basically an 8 month period of severe agoraphobia and emotional chaos. It took place from May of 2009 until December of 2009.

Essentially each form represents a certain idea or feeling that was present and how I have continued to with this disorder.

The bottom lines represented the urge to control all things and situations in order to feel comfortable, which is why they are so straight and planned out. The harsh edges contribute to the idea of trying to reach out and being continously stabbed back.

Test: All inserts from my journal that I wrote in during this time. Going from positive to progressivly more negative inserts towards the bottom.

White top drip: The idea that in heaven all things will be pure and there will be no more pain or suffering or tragedy. It represents the hope that I have in Jesus renewing my mind and body when he comes to take me home. The white paint is dripping all the way through to painting to represent the frequent times that I felt like God had left me to suffer, when in reality he was always there with me in all situations, penetrating the walls of my heart to continuosly seek him.

Luke

11:13 "If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

12:4 "I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do."

12:11 "And when they bring you before the synagogues and the rulers and the authorities, do not be anxious about how you should defend yourself or what you should say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say."

12:24 "Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom."

Frustrations

Coming into this semester I found myself getting frustrated a lot with...everything. It seemed like nothing was working and everything seemed way more difficult than it should be. But I'm finally starting to realize that that's okay. That most likely things aren't going to work really easily, you have to work at it. Discipleship is HARD. More often than not I wonder what on earth I'm doing and if this is even tangible. Community is HARD. Fellowship is beautiful and life giving but it's not easy to love other people who are just as human and sinful as you are. I've been working on keeping a more positive outlook on things, continuing to pursue them despite the mess ups and hardships. I guess Paul wouldn't have told Timothy to "keep fighting the good fight" if he didn't intend for it to be difficult and Timothy to actually have to FIGHT for the Kingdom of God.

Wearing The Yoke

Monday night I walked up to my back door only to find an incredibly creepy looking note in TINY handwriting taped up to the door. After getting really close to it we (Haley and I) realized it was just a note from good old Eric.

The past few weeks have been really stressful for me. Balancing school, work at the coffee shop, finding an internship for the summer, and trying to be a good bridesmaid/maid of honor. The weight of the world felt like it was ontop of my shoulders (literally, I had a headache for 5 days straight!)

Eric's super creep note was useful, because he decided to keep me accountable for resting at least one hour of my day on Tuesday. So after napping and going to walmart and almost collapsing from anxiety I finally had time to just sit down (on the floor, by my bed, in front of the heater..naturally.) I spent a little while just talking, then decided to go back to a verse in Matthew that was really monumental for me this summer, you can read that here.

Matthew 28:11

"Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for you souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

So I'm sitting and the floor and stuff.

I start to imagine all this happening in real life, what it would look like, feel like, where I would be...etc.

So Jesus says "come to me" and I'm like hmm..he's ASKING me to COME to HIM. Asking me, like if I were to be like "hey Haley, bring me some toilet paper we ran out" (except she never actually came and it was an unfortunate situation.) This is neat because the king of the universe is asking me to come to him, imagine thatttt.

So here's the King of the Universe gently asking me to come to him.

I walk over slumping, covered in dirt from a hard days work in the field (work with me here...I'm thinking 1st century Jewish work.)

Then.. He puts his hand on my shoulder, gazing into my eyes and I immediately relax. I begin to stand upright again, and as a smile begins to form, my entire face lights up.

Together we go out into the field, I pick up the yoke and put it around my shoulders (that happen to be cramping and aching in real life). But then I stop, because I don't imagine Jesus sitting up on some high thrown and me dragging him around like I'm some poor slave. No, I picture looking over to my right and him being right next to me, a yoke on his back as well.

We exchange smiles as we walk through the field together preparing for the harvest. He is walking directly beside me, smiling the whole way, teaching me how to plow correctly because he clearly knows it so well.

This was my mental image over a period of 15ish minutes.

This is not the only part that was great to me.

The rest connected in my head like a bomb over a 2 hour period:

I started thinking that I get to work with Jesus. We are working together. Both of us. Side by side. Getting to join Christ in his priestly work. BOOM. (1 Peter) (2 Corinthians 5:18-21) Also wrote about that here.

What exactly are we working for? The harvest. BAM. (John 4:35, Matthew 9:35-38, Matthew 213:24-30) Get it?

Man. That was just great.

Redeemer

8 months ago I was sitting in a room full of people I barely knew, pouring my heart (and tears) all over the floor.

8 months ago I realized how one thing (or lack of) had effected my life and my view of God.

Until 8 months ago I had managed to suppress it somewhere deep down in my soul for 20 years.

4 days ago I was sitting in a room with a few people I knew and a few people I was getting to know better.

4 days ago I expected to be pouring my heart and tears on the floor because of sadness, and explaining what I thought I still lacked.

4 days ago my heart and tears were indeed all over my living room floor.

Not because of what I lacked, but because of what I have been so graciously given. I couldn't stop crying because the mere thought of how deeply and truly I love and appreciate all the men God has placed in my life in the past 8 months. They have truly been vessels of his Fatherly love, showing me my worth, and that I am a daughter of the Most High. He has made himself known through you.

I am slowly learning that even though I often feel "not enough" and "too much" all at the same time, my desires and my longings reflect the heart of God. I desire to be loved, payed attention to, thought to be beautiful and thought to be important. Can you imagine how much more God desires those things from us? And how often we ignore it.

Abba

my sweet girl,

ive given you as a gift to everyone around you. my purpose for you is to glorify me. stop worrying so much about doing everything right. ive got it under control. i promise. i know your desires, your deep longing to be adored and precious to someone. i created your inmost being, i know all of your ways. i made every bump and freckly on that sweet face of yours. i promise im not going anywhere. im eagerly waiting for you to come running and leaping into my arms. i desire to be your father, to love you and take care of you. i want to provide for you and offer you all of my love and riches. i want to shower you with kisses and laughter. i want to pick you up, spin you around and tell you how proud i am of everything you have done! please let me do that. dont be afraid to let me into your heart. i will not abandon you or grow cold. i am your father, and i am not going anywhere.